He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
