dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
