We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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