I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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