You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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