You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I looked at my own cervix.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
