I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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