mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
