I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
