3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
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:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
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we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.