Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots