Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
