I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
