It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Randomize
