apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
