so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
