i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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