I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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