theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Randomize
