you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
