On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
