The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
