i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Randomize
