I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
