oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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