I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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