the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
