i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
