im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
