No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
