By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
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