Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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