i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
