glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
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