They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Dating After Heartbreak
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.