I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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