i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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