Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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