i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
