She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Randomize
