dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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