At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
