it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
