I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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