I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
