I heard we made out
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
