dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
