She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
