dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
