Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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