Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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