I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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