You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
