If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
