Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
People in love make me want to vomit
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
