Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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