So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
