I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
