I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
