I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
