Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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